Future Husband Interviews: Helping your daughter set her own marital standards

For some reason this morning, I can’t get this song out of my head.

It’s called, Dear Future Husband by Meghan Trainor.

She brilliantly addresses the man who will be her husband someday to give him an idea of what she expects from him when they are married.

The lyrics are simple: “Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know if you want to be my one and only all my life.”

She received some backlash in the media for the video that she made for the song. The backlash was from women’s’ rights groups who felt the video glorified the domestication of women.

I’m not saying I agree or disagree with that discussion, but I must say, the song itself should be downloaded on every teenage girl’s cell phone.

WARNING! If modern “pop” music isn't allowed in your home, then just go ahead and wipe this post from your memory. You most likely won't approve of this song either. Not everyone agrees on what is appropriate or not appropriate for children. I tend to be more lenient and choose to have A LOT of discussions with my girls as we experience life together.

But back to the video controversy that I was mentioning. Meghan Trainor was interviewed and asked what she thought about this negative feedback.

"Everyone’s going to say something," the singer told ET at the Kids’ Choice Awards Saturday. "I don’t think it’s sexist. I just wrote a song for my particular future husband out there, wherever he is. I’m just preparing him. Lettin’ him know what’s up."

I LOVE that last sentence, “Lettin’ him know what’s up.”

It’s no big deal to her. If you are interested in dating her, but you don’t feel you have the ability or energy to meet her dating and marriage standards, then just walk on by. No hard feelings. No love or time lost.

God didn’t put only one person on this earth for each of us. He gave us the gift of choice.

If we always went with our initial emotions and feelings about someone, there would be a lot more drunk Vegas weddings!

Many may feel like they are your “soulmate” or the one sent from God, but if they don’t meet the standards you have for yourself, then they aren’t worth your time and energy.

My twin daughters’ turned 16 this week and my bonus daughter turned 18 the week before that.

As a divorced woman myself, I had never even thought about setting standards for who I would date and eventually marry. My goal was to find someone who I could make happy.

It was the job of the wife to support her husband and keep her marriage alive, right?

But after my divorce, my relationship with God grew stronger and I realized that He doesn’t want any of His children feeling responsible for anyone else’s happiness. That comes from a relationship with Him.

He wants each one of us to shine, GIVE love, and RECEIVE love in our marriages.

He gave us the unity of marriage to provide one avenue for us to receive the love and support we need to fulfill the plans He has for us on this earth.

My divorce led to a long-needed time of self-reflection, prayer, and an honest reality check of my own past life decisions.

I confidently developed a set of standards for myself regarding marriage and any man that I would even consider for marriage at some point.

These standards were concrete with a promise to myself that I would not abandon the knowledge I had gained through my experiences and I would never give up or make excuses for anything less.

I owed that to myself and to my five-year-old twin daughters.

I am remarried now. And he is the best but he drives me crazy too.

I’m not saying we have a perfect marriage—there are several things he needs to work on! Okay, maybe me too.

But I am saying that my husband and I are that love and support for each other that gets us both through the daily up’s and down’s and the unexpected realities of life. I believe we have the marriage God intended for us.

So, it’s no surprise that since my daughters were five years old, I was incorporating positive marriage and relationship mantras in any situation that I could at any moment that I could.

I make sure to point out positive gestures or actions between married couples around us. It may just be a non-verbal action showing respect to each other, or it may be obvious or not a so visible display of love or support shown publicly between particular couples.

I use the drama, social media wars, and despair of the stories they tell me about their friends or acquaintances to point out the specific aspects of that relationship that they may or may not want to consider in their future boyfriends and relationships.

I use my (and my friends) past relationship flops and wins to help give them different points of view.

And I even use movies and music to make a point.

Taylor Swift’s song, “Fifteen”, is another song that ironically pops up on my playlist in the car sometimes.

And the girls always know, if we are on a car trip longer than an hour, they will be blessed with an opportunity to listen to a podcast episode that I feel will give them something to think about.

Side note, your children aren’t going to seem interested in that moment of teaching, but if you take advantage of these opportunities to teach them from a young age, over and over again, it will help to form their own standards for marriage later.

My husband and I have always been aggressive in showing and discussing with them their uniqueness, individual skills, and ability to change the world as a daughter of God. And, that when they get married, their spouse will encourage and support that uniqueness in them and vice versa.

They know that my husband and I pray every night for their future husbands. And, we pray for the parents of their future spouses. We pray that they are guiding their sons in their own relationships whether they are currently married or not.

Ultimately, we have to let our daughters make their own choices.

Will I be honest with my daughter if I feel like she is making a mistake?

YES!

But I think it will be a lot easier to have those discussions later if I have taken the time to instill in them a sense of self-worth and direction as they grow up to begin with.

 

 

 

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